South African Comic Trevor Noah Faces ICE Deportation
PALM BEACH, FL — In a statement delivered from behind a podium labeled “Department of Very Serious Crimes,” former President Donald Trump confirmed Tuesday that he has directed aides to explore “all legal remedies, military options, and possibly tariffs” against comedian Trevor Noah for what he described as “years of sustained character assassination.”
To Whatever Government Agency, or whatever social media platform that serves the prosecutorial pleasures of the current president, the following story is best-described as parody, but nobody can really be certain.
“People don’t talk about this,” Trump said. “They joke, they laugh, they make little comments — but it’s actually assassination. Very illegal. Possibly treason. And, everyone knows that treason can be a capital offense. My lawyers say this is worse than Watergate.”
“They say it’s jokes,” he told the group. “But it’s not jokes. It’s very organized. Nobody laughs that consistently by accident.”
According to attendees, he compared the audience response on Noah’s former program to “crowd-sourced defamation.”
The alleged offenses include:
- impersonating Trump’s voice on television
- comparing him to a Bond villain
- and “excessive sarcasm with malicious intent”
Trump argued that late-night monologues constitute “psychological warfare against a sitting or former extremely handsome president.”
“Comedy is fine,” he clarified. “But not when it’s about me.”
According to sources close to the former president, Trump has asked advisers whether:
- comedians require FCC licenses
- punchlines can be taxed
- or satire can be classified as a Schedule I substance
One aide reported Trump floated the idea of creating a new federal agency, the Department of Humor Security, tasked with “pre-approving jokes for patriotism.”
Department of Homeland Security Re-Assigns Bovino to Los Angeles To Investigate Immigrants Who Attended Grammy Awards
White Press Secretary Leavitt confirmed, through her trusted colleague Laura Loomer, that the head of Homeland Security Kristi Creme Noem has re-assigned Oberführer Dan Bovino from El Centro, CA to Los Angeles after Bovino was stripped of his Commander at Large title. In his new role, he has been tasked with determining how many of the attendees at the Grammy’s were illegal immigrants.
Expanding the Character Assasination legal theory
US Attorney Pam Bondi said the matter deserves “a sober legal look.”
“At some point repetition matters,” Bondi said. “If you portray someone as orange for ten straight years, eventually markets may price that in. That’s not satire — that’s damage.”
Bondi added that her team is informally reviewing whether comedy writers could meet the definition of “a coordinated enterprise,” noting that “five or more people in a room actively producing punchlines starts to look less like humor and more like conspiracy to assassinate the character of the president.”
She declined to specify what statute might apply, but said “we’re creative.”
National security angle : FBI Commandant Kash Patel Opines on FBI role.
Others have taken a broader view.
FBI Director Kash Patel suggested the jokes may warrant counterintelligence scrutiny.
“We don’t know who benefits,” Patel said. “When a narrative spreads globally within minutes, you at least ask whether it’s organic or state-sponsored.”
He added that investigators should determine:
- whether monologues are “algorithmically amplified,”
- whether laughter constitutes “psychological operations,”
- and whether streaming platforms qualify as “distribution infrastructure.”
“Information warfare doesn’t always look like warfare,” Patel said. “Sometimes it looks like a desk and a mug.”
Market reaction
Markets, as measured by $SPX, rallied 1% after initially falling 1% in pre-market trading.
Shares of Paramount Skydance, the parent company of CBS, which telecast the Grammy Awards were down slightly.
Late-night writers reportedly continued working.
Privately, several Republicans acknowledged the effort faces legal hurdles, including the First Amendment and the general difficulty of criminalizing sarcasm. Still, aides say the former president views the matter as existential.
One person close to him summarized the thinking:
“You can indict a man. You can fine a man. But you can’t let a guy do an impression of you for seven years. That’s where civilizations fall apart.”
At press time, staff were said to be studying whether laugh tracks require federal registration. The episode was largely overshadowed 24 hours later after Donald Trump announced plans to pursue civil action against Katz’s Delicatessen, alleging that its signature ham sandwich “knowingly and maliciously misrepresented portion size.”
Speaking to reporters, Trump described the matter as “a very serious consumer fraud issue.”
“They say it’s one sandwich,” he said. “It’s not one sandwich. It’s mostly bread. Very deceptive. People are saying it’s the most deceptive sandwich they’ve ever seen.”
He added that the Justice Department, under Attorney General Pam Bondi, had been asked to “look into it strongly,” including what he characterized as “a full interview situation” with the owner of a regional rye bread supplier believed to be connected to the case.
An aide later clarified the move was intended to address “systemic overbreadth in the delicatessen space.”
US Stock Markets surged after pre-market action had once again falsely telegraphed a sell-off was imminent.
Deli counters nationwide continued operating.